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Life After Divorce

Divorce is always a crisis no matter what the circumstance, it is regarded as one of the most devastating personal experiences you will ever go through. The process is long and already started when you realized that your spouse was-no longer the number one person in your life. The legal steps of a divorce is only but one stage in the whole process, so you may be surprised that you are not feeling better now you are single

The first and most important task that you will have after your divorce is to rebuild your life in order to make good use of the “second chance” that your divorce has provided you. The second is important thing to do is to parent your children, to protect them from the crossfire between you and your ex-spouse and nurture them as they grow up into adulthood. You do not have to rebuild the life you had previously. You now have the choice to create a new life, with new activities, friends and direction. Determine what you have control over and what you do not. Your divorce besides giving you freedom also creates legal obligations and so you need to accept those limitations. There may be choices you have made during the divorce process that also limit your control e.g. choosing to remain near the kids.

Your divorce settlement is only step one in moving into a new life after divorce. The real divorce is the cutting of the emotional, mental and physical ties that still bind you to your ex spouse. This is the real work of divorce recovery: becoming a single person possessed of confidence, self-esteem, an enthusiasm for life and most important, a complete break from the emotional turmoil that led to your divorce in the first place.

Losing the person we were once closest to ranks right up there with death of a spouse in terms of stress. However grief is a process not an endpoint. Having worked through the loss of divorce, there are new relationships to be found and they can be as good or even better than those you have had in the past. You can use the divorce to question your needs and fundamentally change for the better so you can have happier relationships in the future.

Loss of friends is another major impact of divorce. Friends may well choose sides or drop out of the picture altogether. While you may feel betrayed and hurt by those former friends, it gives you an opportunity to pick friends that maybe didn’t fit with the married version of you. Finding new friends can lead you to new experiences and a renewed sense of purpose and enjoyment.

Married life often leads us to feel very stable and secure and we set long term goals in place. We think about retirement even if decades away. We plan for kids, for holidays together and get into a tight routine. Divorce pulls that all apart. This tears at our fundamental sense of security and many plans come crashing down. This can lead to panic and worry. But the fact is you can stand on your own. You can create new routines and build a new stability. Accomplishing that will make you a much more secure person no matter how disrupted your environment gets.

If you have children, divorce disrupts the whole family unit. You may have less time with the kids or if you have custody, you may have to adjust to the level of support you now have. Again managing a family after divorce is a matter of being flexible and adaptable and it can be done successfully. You can find ways to keep on parenting and touching your children’s lives in ways that really matter. Kids can adapt surprisingly well and succeed in the new “non-traditional” family. You can help lead by example. By making your transition and showing how life can go on, you will show your kids a new path and help them adapt.

Divorce can present opportunities for new careers, going back to school or pushing your current career further. There are people with real financial difficulties caused by divorce who may have to work multiple jobs or take a very large drop in standard of living to meet expenses. Accepting that this is where you are right now, doing what you can and knowing it’s the best you can do and looking for whatever opportunities come your way to make things better will all help you get through this. Divorce teaches us that life is disruptive and rarely remains the same. Many a divorced parent has succeeded in raising good and productive kids under difficult circumstances and you can do that too.

You’ve accepted it. Now it’s time to jumpstart your life!

  • Define a new relationship with your ex for your children
    Your old relationship was husband and wife, your new relationship is as common allies of your children.
  • Talk to your kids
    Divorce can create emotional wounds in children. Talk to them about what’s going on, what they’re feeling, and how things will get better. Involve them.
    If they know there are things they can do to help this transition, it will give them a feeling of power.
  • Make a plan
    Assess your situation financially, look at your resources to see what your options are in terms of housing, job and finances.
  • Create a support squad
    Ask for help. People appreciate being asked for help. It’s a gift to them to allow them to be there for you. Create a support squad of your closest friends who won’t mind providing you with emotional support, professional guidance and ongoing inspiration. Realize that you’re not the first person to go through this.
  • Get your resources and assets around you
    Do everything you can to program yourself for success. Find out what your strengths and skills are and focus on them to help move you in a new and positive direction. Everybody has a personal truth – what you believe about yourself when nobody’s watching. Remember that you will create the results in life that you believe you deserve.
  • Make time for yourself
    Make a priority to be a little selfish and do something just for yourself. The most important gift you can give your children is to take care of their parents. Try a new class, start exercising, or reconnect with an old hobby you’ve forgotten about.
  • Make your dream home
    It’s not the end of the world if you have to change houses. Know that you and your kids are going to create memories there and that’s what makes it a dream home.
  • Find your authentic self
    Although you may no longer be one half of a couple, you are still 100 percent the person who you are. Find that person again.
  • Find your passion
    What is it that will make you excited to get out of bed every day? Make a list of what you can do to reach your goals.
  • Have some joy with your kids
    Choose to live with some fun in your new life. Create new memories with your children that will carry them into the future with self-esteem, confidence and happiness.
  • Protect yourself in the future
    It’s important to always look at a relationship and ask yourself, “What’s it costing me to be in this relationship?” If you totally lose yourself in it, then the cost is too high.